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  • Writer's pictureRobert Adcock

Funny Lines For Your Speeches

Some ideas for witticism’s and funny lines for the speech makers at your wedding that will have almost everybody smiling:


If a man is in the woods audibly running through the thoughts in his head and his wife isn’t there to hear him, is he still wrong?

(Groom) and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his best looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me and after turning him down three times already I could hardly say no again.

There are three situations where witnesses are required: Crimes, Accidents and Marriages. Need I say more?

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologise" and "You are right.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I think you can all agree that up to now it has been a wonderful day? That’s about to change, it’s time for my speech.

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something, get closer and repeat the question, keep doing this until she responds, then tell me how close to her you were."
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. He steps a bit closer to her and repeats the same question. Still nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!”

I’ve researched this and if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

(to the groom) Now you’re married you want this union to be forever harmonious but I know you and realise you will want to end any discussions with the last word or even the last two words and that’s fine, just as long as those words are “yes dear”.

Before we got married (name) always said “you never listen” or something like that.

Today you married my best friend, for better or for worse they say, there’s so much truth in that. He couldn’t have done better and you couldn’t have done worse.

When we were looking at honeymoon destinations I said I wanted to go somewhere I’d never been before, she said “how about the kitchen?”.

I was admiring myself naked in front of the mirror a couple of nights ago and I asked (bride) if she will still love me when I’m fat, old and balding? She said “I do!”

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye opener.

The groom saw me changing at the gym the other day, shocked at my attire he asked me: “How long have you been wearing a bra? I replied “ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my car”.

We were in B&Q the other day looking at bathroom furniture. Giggling, I pointed to a camouflage print toilet seat, she said “get it, then you’ll have an excuse when you miss”.

I was trying to be funny the other day when we passed a pig field, I pointed and said “relatives of yours?” “Yes” she replied “by marriage”

Today (name of bride or groom) agreed to spend the rest of their life with me. Beautiful, loyal, kind and honest……. you’re lucky to have me.

Can everyone at the back hear me? don’t worry if you can’t, the silence from these people at the front will be a good indication of how it’s going.

Just before we got here (name) asked me to remove any innuendo from my speech, I haven’t had time to go through it but if I do come across anything risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately.

They told me not to try to be too charming, witty or intellectual. Their actual advice was, “just be yourself”.

The only advice I can give you is that from this day forward you make each day better than the one before that way you’ll look back on today as the worst day of your lives.

Please keep the clapping and cheering to a minimum I’m extremely hungover. I know it’s wrong to stop up all night drinking and chatting up girls/boys, but I could hardly leave bride/groom to drink alone, could I.

Before I start, the venue has asked that guests refrain from standing on chairs and tables during the ovation for my speech.

When I first thought about this speech I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet for inspiration. After a couple of hours, I'd found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

(name) has asked me not to tell any embarrassing stories about them…… So that’s it from me.

Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

My husband is very free thinking he says I can do anything I want, no rules or restrictions as long as I am home by 9 o’clock.

Clever, beautiful, honest to a fault, generous, loving, caring and………. sorry what does that say that say, I can’t read your writing.

Please excuse me, I’m not great at giving speeches but I’ve rehearsed this over and over and will make it feel like the quickest 45 minutes of your lives.

I read somewhere that a best mans speech should never take longer than the groom takes to make love to his bride. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the bride and groom.

What can I tell you about (groom) we’ve been friends for two days now, he found my advert on the web and as he doesn’t have any friends he employed me.

Thank you for that, I always knew it would be hard to follow (name’s) speech and I was right, I couldn’t follow a bloody word of it.

The vicar made it abundantly clear that he didn’t agree with sex before marriage but I told him it would only take a couple of minutes and he could keep the dog collar on.

Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long because of my throat. (Bride) has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And (Groom) has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend.

Hello, I’m (name) and I’m an alcoholic……… oops, sorry wrong speech.

I heard there’s a sweepstake on the length of my speech, I went for thirty-five minutes so settle in.

For those of you on the brides side of the family who don’t know (groom) what can I tell you? I suppose the best advice would be, never let him date a member of your family.

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